


Decide

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-23
Updated: 2013-03-23
Packaged: 2017-12-06 06:32:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/732509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything in life has a consequence, but that doesn't make anything easier. So you have a choice. And it all rides on you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Decide

He can’t get it off of him.

No matter how hard he scratches, claws, _grinds_ at his skin, he can’t get it off. It’s clinging to him like radioactive acid, and it’s seeping its way under his skin in his veins in his blood in his bones--

He can’t deny it, he’s a failure. As a friend, as an enemy, as a leader. He’s a fucking _failure._ How many people have died on his watch? How many of his friends has he had to burn because of his foolishness, his misguidance? They were all supposed to fucking _prosper,_ but what use was a won world when _everyone_ wasn’t there to reap the spoils with him?

What right did _he_ even have to _exist?_

_“Fuck!”_

He couldn’t breath. He could not breath with all this _venom_ in his chest. Maybe if he were a stronger person, he wouldn’t have been reduced to committing such pathetic acts.

_Vriska would have been a great leader._

Karkat dug his claws into his arm, scraping away at the skin. Yeah. She would have lead them to a fucking clean win, because when it all boiled down to it, she fucking knew what she was doing and she knew how to win a war.

Aradia was always cleaning up after his mistakes. Tavros knew how to placate people. Nepeta kept that asshole Equius in line. Equius kept Nepeta company when Karkat didn’t. For all Eridan was an asshole, he was committed. Feferi was supposed to be the empress of their new kingdom.

He had come so close to losing Kanaya; it was only by some fluke chance that she was still alive.

He’d nearly lost Sollux. It was a miracle he didn’t die.

It was like he was drowning in breathable water, and it was hard to remember where he even was. Karkat can recall that he had been in the main room of the meteor while he was talking to Terezi about Gamzee. He hadn’t expected her, of all people, to oppose him so...vehemently.

But he can’t even think about that. All he can think about is how she was right, how she was _always right,_ how she was right about him being pathetic how she was right about him being a failure how she was right about him being a shit leader...

The world around him spins.

But he keeps clawing, and scratching, because he can’t think, and what he needs to do _most_ right now is _fucking. Think._

He keeps replaying the conversation from earlier over and over in his head, because it’s like it’s stuck there on repeat. He wished things didn’t turn out like this...

* * *

“ _Karkat, no. Are you kidding me here? You’re_ protecting _a murderer!”_

_“Oh fuck off Terezi! Like you’re honestly going to try and tell me that you have never, in your whole entire fucking life, ever killed another troll. By the way, if you try and say that, I am going to call bullshit so fucking hard, it’s not even going to be a little bit funny.”_

_Karkat can feel a frown pulling at the corners of his mouth, and his hands flex at his side. Terezi, for once, isn’t wearing a grin or even a smile. She’s staring at him so intently and so seriously that it’s unnerving. The fact that she’s practically staring past him does add to the uncomfortable feeling that’s bubbling in his chest._

_“Oh, sure, of course I have. I wouldn’t have been able to stay alive long enough to play this stupid game if I hadn’t ever killed someone. But they didn’t mean anything to me, so this isn’t the same thing. Unless everyone here_ was “ _just another troll” to you. Was that the case? Was Nepeta really nothing to you, even though she fawned over you like there was no tomorrow? Was Equius just another troubling troll to you? He may have bitched and moaned about your ‘inferior blood,’ but he did ultimately do what you told him to do. Was he nothing? ‘just another troll?’ The masses want to know, Karkat Vantas. Are we all just pawns for you?”_

_He could feel himself paling, and felt a little sick. Was that what it looked like? Was he treating them like he thought so little of them? Fuck, he..._

_“Oh what the fuck ever, Terezi! Have you forgotten that you’ve_ also _killed on this fucking piece of shit meteor? I do believe your hands are painted in cerulean as well, and you don’t see me screaming ‘off with your head!’”_

 _“I killed her because I needed to! She killed Tavros! She was going to lead Jack straight to us and he would have killed all of us! Eridan was killed for_ his _crimes, and now Gamzee needs to own up too!”_

 _“He’s_ fine _now! Damn it! Leave him alone!”_

 _He didn’t want to see Gamzee killed. The very thought turned his insides and left him weak, because he wasn’t sure what he’d do without him. It was Karkat’s fault in the first place that Gamzee acted the way he did -- a morail’s job was to keep their partner’s in line. Karkat was the pathetic red-blood; he didn’t have the same impulses that blue-bloods do. He was supposed to keep Gamzee_ in line.

 _“He’s fine? He’s_ fine? _Karkat, do you realize how many people he needlessly killed? He almost went after_ you. _He would not have protected you like you are protecting him. Have you forgotten? He jumped at you with the intent to kill, and it might have only been by chance that you were able to calm him down. What if it happens again? Are you willing to risk the lives of those who are_ left _here? Because I for one, am not.”_

_He had to resist the urge to flinch._

_It had been bad. Hell, he’d been terrified, standing on the roof of the meteor and staring at his best friend for the first time since he flipped. Karkat didn’t think he’d ever be able to get that look Gamzee gave him out of his head, that look like he was pray._

_The look that Karkat was supposed to prevent from ever surfacing._

_“Then cull me, Terezi! Fuck! It’s my fault to begin with -- I’m a shit leader and I wasn’t able to even keep my morail in line; the most basic thing of someone in that quadrant! It’s_ my _fault, not his, so don’t you fucking blame him! If anyone is at fault here, it’s me!” Karkat paused, clenching his jaw as he lowered his voice, “So if you are going to cause more bloodshed, it might as well be mine staining the floor this time.”_

_Terezi frowns, tapping her dragon headed cane in her hands. For a moment, he thinks she’s going to accept what he said. Karkat had never been on the receiving end of her ‘trials,’ and it made him nervous. Was she going to pardon them both? Or was she going to let him take Gamzee’s place?_

_He’d do it in a heartbeat. This whole mess was his own fault, anyway._

_“...I will give you a while to speak with him, though even I don’t know where he’s gone. But understand this, Karkat. I will find him, and I will kill him. This is not your fault. It’s his.”_

_And she left._

_So the first thing he does it take out his husktop and pull open Gamzee’s window, and hope to god that he actually is there, and will bother to message back._

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

[CG] GAMZEE.

[CG] I NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO ME, OKAY?

[CG] PLEASE, THIS IS SORT OF REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT, SO IF THERE WAS EVER A TIME FOR YOU TO BE AT FULL ALERT, THIS WOULD BE THE TIME.

[TC] i’m here right now best friend

[TC] SO WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM?

[CG] THE PROBLEM IS THAT.

[CG] FUCK.

[CG] YOU NEED, TO RUN.

[TC] now why would i ever need to do something like that?

[TC] I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL UP AND DONE WITH ALL THE RUNNING.

[TC] unless i missed something :o)

[CG] YEAH, YOU MISSED SOMETHING.

[CG] TEREZI IS GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T GET OUT OF THERE.

[TC] WHY WOULD MY SISTER BE UP AND WANTING TO DO SOMETHING AS DERANGED AS THAT?

[TC] i thought we were all done with the blood shed.

[TC] SHE NEEDS TO STOP AND APPRECIATE THE MOTHER FUCKING MIRACLES AROUND HERE.

[CG] I KNOW,I KNOW, IT’S MY FAULT, FUCK.

[CG] I TRIED TO REASON WITH HER, BUT SHE DIDN’T WANT TO LISTEN TO ME.

[CG] SHE STILL THINKS THAT YOU’RE A THREAT, AND THAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY HURT MORE PEOPLE, AND SHE DOESN’T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN SO SHE’S WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.

[CG] SO PLEASE, JUST RUN.

[CG] I DON’T.

[TC] bro? :o(

[CG] I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF SHE MANAGED TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.

[CG] SO PLEASE, FOR MY SAKE, CAN YOU JUST PLEASE RUN UNTIL I FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

[CG] I FUCKED THIS SHIT UP AND I AM GOING TO FIND A WAY TO FIX IT.

[TC] KARKAT WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU RIGHT NOW

[TC] i want to speak to you before anything starts happening

[TC] BECAUSE I DON’T MOTHER FUCK LIKE THE WAY THIS IS SOUNDING FOR YOU EITHER.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

* * *

...But that’s exactly how they were 

“Shit, shit what am I going to do, I can’t let him die, god damn it what can I _do!”_

Out of frustration he throws his fist at the wall of his respiteblock, and for the first time gets a good look at the damage he’d been wrecking on his arms. Raw and bloody, bright red drops dripped off of his extended arm and onto the floor, and it makes him want to scream. His best friend’s blood is going to be the thing staining the floor soon, and he had no say on it. He’d rather it be this way, with candy-read rather than purple.

He clenched his eyes shut tightly and threw his back against the wall and slid down it; his breath coming out fast and uneven as he dug his claws into his arms as he tried to _breath._ It felt like everything was closing in on him, like someone was shoving a steel pipe down his throat and he couldn’t ever get enough air in.

He _couldn’t_ lose him. Not his best friend. Not the person who’d always been by him, no matter what kind of shit he dished out. The only one who knew he wasn’t really hateful.

Maybe Terezi was right. Maybe everyone thought he was using them as pawns, throwing them haphazardly across the board that was SGRUB. Sacrificing them without a care.

He was disgusting. He didn’t deserve to breath. He didn’t deserve to occupy his space of _existence._ He just needed to--

“Holy fuck, Karkat, what the hell happened?”

His head shoots up so fast that he feels a little dizzy, and it’s only then that he’s aware of the wetness that is stuck to his cheeks. Gamzee’s there in front of him, dropping himself out of the vents because _that’s so fucking normal_ but he doesn’t have time to think because suddenly Gamzee’s arms are around him, and he hates. The contact.

“Fuck, Gamzee, let me go, let me go you can’t _touch me--”_

 _“_ No fucking way, bro. I’m not letting go, because you look like you’re all up in distress here. Calm down, I’m still here,”

And Karkat doesn’t realize it, but that’s what he needed to hear, because he didn’t know if he had been _killed_ yet..

“Terezi, she-”

“Not the issue here, karkat. Not the motherfucking issue here.”

Gamzee pulls away slightly and takes hold of one of Karkat’s arms, and he winces. Bright, red gashes pop against his gray skin, his sleeves having been pulled up to allow access. Just looking at it appalls him, and ge goes to get that blood _out of him ---_

 _“_ Not happening, Listen to me bro, you need to calm down.”

and his wrists are being held down by Gamzee, who’s staring at him with a frown on his face and oh god, has he dissappointed him to? Shit, he’s such a fuck up --

“I’m sorry,” Karkat instead chokes out, and he means it. He’s sorry. For everything. For failing at everything he was responsible for.

When Gamzee squeezes his hand once and lets go, he’s instantly enveloped in a hug yet again, and this time he returns the gesture. For the first time since Terezi left, Karkat takes a deep, shaky breath, but is finally able to feel some of the pressure ease from his chest. Everything isn’t fixed, but he’s at least able to breath now that he knows Gamzee is alright.

He can do this. They can get past this. Terezi shouldn’t think to come back here...

There’s a knock, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out who’s behind there.

“Karkat, open up. I can hear him in there.”

Her voice is rather cold in comparison to her usual tone, and Karkat instantly hardens his face as he glares at the door. Gamzee shifts so that he’s sitting beside him, though one arm is still crossed over him in a protective manner. As if _he’s_ the one who needs protecting. Fuck...

“The door’s unlocked, Terezi. I don’t even fucking know why you bothered asking in the first place. We both know you would have barged right in as usual even if I didn’t get up and throw you a welcome party inside.”

After a moment the knob turns, and Terezi slips back inside; shades once again equip and cane in hand; blade extended out the bottom. Karkat growls, but she ignores him as she sniffs the air once, twice, before turning her head in Gamzee’s direction.

“I smell candy blood. Now, I smell only one other person in the room, and that is _you,_ Gamzee Makara. Tell me. Why is Karkat bleeding, conveniently right now, while you are in here?”

Her tone has risen a bit; a mocking manner as though she already knew the answer to the question. When Karkat raises his head to look at Gamzee’s expression, he’s mildly shocked to see his eyebrows narrowed in Terezi’s direction; a cold look that is amplified only by his unmoving form.

Karkat speaks before Gamzee even gets a chance.

“He didn’t do shit, Terezi. Step off. It’s my blood, and I did it to myself. It’s not a damn issue here.” He pulls his shirt sleeves down over his arms, and he flinches once as the black fabric touches the raw wounds. He knows it’s pointless, seeing as she’ll still be able to smell it regardless, but he didn’t like feeling exposed like that anyway.

For a moment, Terezi’s gaze softens, but her guard is back up just as soon as it had fallen. But instead of saying something more, she turned around and walked out of the room; her footsteps echoing down the hallway until they couldn’t be heard. He thought it was over.

But when Gamzee stands up and heads for the door, Karkat is up instantly with the question blurting out of his mouth, “Where the fuck do you think you’re going? Are you honestly thinking about going after her after she already left? Are you fucking nuts?”

Gamzee stops at the door and doesn’t turn around, but he does reply.

“I’m going to get this mother fucking thing settled out once and for all. Don’t need this kind of tension on board anymore. Had enough of it already. Don’t worry Karkat, I’ve got no plans of dying.”

And he left.

For several moments Karkat stands there in silence, unsure of what to do. He didn’t know if he should go after them, or trust that everything would work out alright.

As he stood there, his husktop went off, and he went to see who it was -- it didn’t even matter at this point, he’d probably spoken to even Dave if he’d trolled him.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] has started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

[GC] H3Y

[GC] SO 1 N33D TO 4SK YOU SOM3TH1NG B3FORE 1 4CTU4LLY GO THROUGH W1TH TH1S TH1NG

[GC] S1NC3 1TS SORT OF ONLY F41R 1 GU3SS

[CG] WHAT THE FUCK IS IT TEREZI.

[CG] IN CASE YOU COULDN’T FUCKING TELL, YOU’RE NOT EXACTLY MY MOST FAVORITE PERSON ON THE GODDAMN PLANET AT THE MOMENT.

[CG] WHICH IS SAYING A WHOLE FUCKING LOT, SEEING AS THERE ARE HARDLY A HANDFUL OF US LEFT.

[GC] 4ND WHOS3 F4ULT 1S TH4T?

[CG] YEAH YEAH I FUCKING KNOW, IT’S MINE, MOVING THE FUCK ON.

[GC] NO, 1TS...

[GC] UGH, NO, 1 DONT H4VE T1M3 TO 4RGU3 W1TH YOU 4BOUT YOUR S3LF-LO4TH1NG T3ND3NC13S

[GC] G4MZ33 1S FOLLOW1NG M3 1SNT H3?

[CG] YEAH, HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT ONE OUT?

[GC] 1M TH3 S33R OF M1ND R3M3MB3R?

[GC] 1 KNOW TH3S3 TH1NGS >:]

[CG] THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BOTHER MESSAGING ME.

[GC] OH R1GHT

[GC] TH3 TH1NG 1S TH4T 1 W4S S3R1OUS 4BOUT K1LL1NG H1M...

[GC] BUT K1LL1NG VR1SK4 W4S H4RD 3NOUGH, 4ND 1M NOT 3NT1RLY SUR3 1 W4NT TO H4V3 TO DO TH4T 4LL OV3R 4G41N

[CG] EASY GODDAMN SOLUTION THEN.

[CG] DON’T FUCKING KILL HIM.

[GC] SHUT UP K4RK4T 1M NOT DON3

[GC] 4NYW4Y

[GC] 1 R3ALLY D1DNT W4NT TO K1LL VR1SK4, BUT 1 H4D TO

[GC] W1TH B31NG A S33R, 1 W4S 4BL3 TO S33 4LL TH3 OUTCOM3S W1TH H3R

[GC] 4LL OF TH3M

[GC] 4ND TH3 PROBL3M W4S TH4T 4LL OF TH3 ON3S W1TH H3R 1N 1T 3NDE3D R3ALLY, R3ALLY B4DLY FOR 3V3RYON3 3LS3, SO 1 H4D TO T4K3 H3R OUT OF TH3 P1CTUR3

[CG] OKAY WELL GOOD FOR YOU, I GUESS?

[CG] BUT THAT WAS YOUR CHOICE, AND I’M SURE IT WAS REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT, WHATEVER.

[CG] KNOWING VRISKA, SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING THAT WOULD GET US ALL KILLED, AND I’M TRULY SORRY THAT YOU WERE FORCED TO STAB SOMEONE WHO WAS PROBABLY SECRETLY YOUR BEST FRIEND THROUGH THE FUCKING BACK IN ORDER TO SAVE US ALL.

[CG] BUT FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING A LITTLE MORE SYMPATHETIC AS YOU STAND THERE AND PRETTY MUCH THREATEN TO END MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND’S LIFE.

[CG] SO IF THERE IS A POINT TO ALL OF THIS, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DROP THE POINT DOWN ON ME AT ANY TIME.

[GC] MY PO1NT 1S TH4T 1 H4D TH3 S4M3 TH1NG W1TH G4MZ33

[GC] TH3R3 4R3 1NST4NC3S WH3R3 H3 LOS3S 1T 4G41N

[GC] 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1 W4NT TO R1SK TH4T

[CG] WHO DIES.

[GC] WH4T?

[CG] I SAID.

[CG] WHO DIES.

[GC] ...

[CG] WELL?

[GC] 1TS YOU, K4RK4T.

[GC] 1N 4LL INST4NC3S, 1TS YOU.

He doesn’t know what to say to that.

The prospect of him dying, at Gamzee’s hand...he’d never even thought about it. He’d been so confident that he’d never do that again, that Karkat would be able to keep him in line, that he’d never bothered to think about the ‘what if.’

Fuck.

[CG] BUT IT DOESN’T HAPPEN IN EVER INSTANCE, RIGHT?

[GC] NO, NO 1T DO3SNT 4LW4YS H4PPEN.

So then there was a chance.

There was a chance that he could do everything right, and keep Gamzee placated. Karkat would live.

[GC] BUT 1T H4PP3N3D 3NOUGH FOR M3 TO NOT 3X4CTLY W4NT TO CH4NC3 1T

...Or he could fail, and he’d die. And Gamzee would surely be killed as a result.

Jesus fucking christ.

So either he makes the voice to kill Gamzee to make sure he lives himself, or he takes a chance of failure where they both are doomed to die.

One life, or two.

[GC] 1 N33D 4N 4NSW3R K4RK4T

[GC] 1 C4N H34R H1M COM1NG

It should be simple, right? A troll’s first instinct is self-preservation. They are born killers -- fighters. They don’t back down to fucking anybody, and throwing someone under the bus for their own survival is common fucking sense.

So this should be a goddamn easy choice.

Karkat Vantas did not want to fucking die. Not by his best friend’s hand.

[CG] YEAH, I’VE GOT YOUR FUCKING ANSWER.

[CG] AND THAT’S FOR YOU TO LET HIM LIVE.

[CG] DO YOU HEAR ME?

[CG] AS YOUR FUCKING LEADER I AM ORDERING YOU NOT TO TOUCH A FUCKING HAIR ON HIS GODDAMN HEAD.

[CG] I DON’T GIVE TWO SHITS AS TO WHAT YOUR CRAZY MIND POWERS SAY.

[CG] I KNOW THAT I CAN KEEP HIM, AND BY DEFAULT, MYSELF, SAFE.

[GC] 4R3 YOU SUR3?

[GC] TH3R3 1S NO GO1NG B4CK 4FT3R TH1S

[GC] NO S4VES OR R3-DOS

He was a fucking leader. They were going to meet up with the humans, and they were all going to figure out a way to get off this fucking meteor.

All of them. The ones that were left, he’d protect with his life. He would not fuck up again, because he did not have that luxury. He wasn’t going to let another friend die, and certainly not one by practically his own hand.

[CG] YEAH, I’M FUCKING SURE.

[CG] NEVER BEEN MORE SURE OF ANYTHING IN MY ENTIRE GODDAMN LIFE.

He wouldn’t fail this time. No one else would die on his watch.

[GC] ...1 HOP3 YOUR3 R1GHT

[GC] 1 DONT W4NT TO S33 YOU D3AD

[GC] SM3LL

[GC] UND3RST4ND?

[GC] CONS1D3R TH4T 4 FR13NDLY R3QU3ST FROM YOUR R3D T34M SUBORD1N4T3.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]


End file.
